I realize that I have been MIA since March. It’s funny because I thought that right after attending Tony Robbin’s Unleash the Power Within (UPW), I would be on a roll with a new sense of motivation that would take my coaching business and my personal development to a whole new level.
But the Universe had something very different planned for me. Close family and friends would know, that my husband and I had been trying to have a baby for the last 18 months with no luck. I was in and out of different fertility clinics and finally at the end of last year, we were put on an IVF funded list.
A week before leaving to San Jose to attend UPW, I got an email from the fertility clinic advising me that they did not get as many funded cycles from the government as they had anticipated, and as a result, I was now on a cancellation list and was advised to contact them in November.
Feeling crushed was an understatement, because up into that point, I had a plan, and now, I felt like I was back at square one.
But - God works in mysterious ways.
Because... surprise! I was already pregnant! I just didn't know it yet.
Which leads me into what I've been up to the last couple of months... I have been feverishly nurturing this precious new life inside my body – while dealing with new emotions and fears that I have never experienced before.
And as I begin to feel more like myself again, I want to share with you the top three lessons I’ve learned so far…
Lesson 1: You don’t have to go through your fertility journey alone.
I know that talking about it isn’t always easy. I used to constantly ask myself, whether I was oversharing, or if I made others feel uncomfortable. But I realized that the more I didn’t share, the more I fell into a shame story of feeling less than I was, because I couldn’t will my body to do something that I believed I was supposed to be able to do.
I truly believe this - infertility is not ugly or shameful. It is our personal stories about strength, how we build resilience through disappointment, and a testament to our capacity to love as we preserve and continue to try despite the odds.
I fully acknowledge that 18 months of trying is not long in comparison to other couples who I’ve connected with. But no matter where you are in your journey, your feelings are 100% valid and I want to honour these women who resonate with this. I just want to let you know how much I admire you and love you. Please continue to share how you feel and what you’re going through with people you love and trust – you are not alone and shame cannot exist when we begin to talk about it.
Lesson 2: The scariest emotion to feel is joy.
Have you ever imagined how you would react or feel when you got the one thing that you wanted so badly? And then you’re completely surprised when how you actually feel is nothing like how you’d imagine?
I struggled with this a lot in the first three months of pregnancy. I thought that I would be crying tears of joy when I found out I was pregnant. I thought I would be sharing with the world the moment that I entered my second trimester. I thought that I would be happy and the world would feel complete.
But that’s not at all how I felt. Instead I was filled with fear, because for some reason, our brain likes to default to the worst-case scenario. We dim that light of joy so that we can prepare ourselves… just in case our nightmare plays out.
I let that loom over me for the first couple of months – and what I realized was that I couldn’t fully embrace just being pregnant. Yet, even if I was to suppress my joy so that (as Brené Brown would say) I could beat vulnerability to the punch… could I ever truly prepare myself for how it would feel if tragedy was to actually happen? Preparing for the worst, doesn’t make the worst feel any less painful.
I learned that in order to embrace joy, I had to consciously practise a mind full of gratitude. I learned to acknowledge my fears, but also to quickly let it go and remind myself of all the things I was thankful for. I mean after all, the common denominator between faith and fear is that both are just a part of our imagination right?
We all have the power to create the narrative to our stories. So with that in mind, I encourage you to choose your story based on faith. I hope that time and time again, you consciously choose joy.
Lesson 3: Priorities and dreams are allowed to change.
This one was a big one for me, especially with regards to how I was showing up for my business (or in my case, lack of). I battled with a lot of exhaustion the first couple of months, and there were times when I felt like I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had no motivation, and I wasn’t excited about anything. I just felt numb and isolated, and all I wanted to do was sleep and wait for the day when the “old me” would return again.
I felt a lot of guilt when I was going through this. Where was the hunger for my coaching business that I had at the beginning of the year? Where was my drive? And how could I call myself a coach when I wasn’t walking the talk?
Through many coaching sessions with my own personal coach, I realized that just like the seasons – we are allowed to change. I am allowed to dream a new dream or change my focus. I had to stop comparing myself to who I was before I got pregnant, and instead embrace and prioritize who and what I wanted now. The more I let go of the guilt, the more I was able to enjoy this new path that God had paved for me.
I guess what I want to say is – it’s okay to want something else without feeling like you’ve given up. Everything that we experience is meant for us, and we have to remember that where we are, is exactly where we’re supposed to be. The moment you let go of where you think you should be, will be the moment when you start to play full out in where you are right now.
With regards to my coaching business, I want you to know that I am still here – to support you, to celebrate your wins, to create a safe space for you to explore who you want to be, and to share new content that hopefully inspires you (as much as it inspires me). With that in mind, my focus has changed to incorporate new priorities, where I am also focusing on my pregnancy, my health, and my own sanity before anything else. Instead of operating through guilt, I choose to show up only at my best, so that I can be the best for you.
Prior to getting pregnant, I felt totally in control of my emotions and my energy. Sure, things would come up and I would feel sad, angry, or disappointed – but I knew I had the skill sets to get me out of the funk. Sometimes you need life to shake things up, in order to trigger new growth. I tell my clients this all the time – there are gold nuggets when you are feeling sad, alone, empty, or lost.
I realize now that these new found emotions over the last six months has truly been a blessing in disguise. I had hit a plateau in my own personal development up until then, and today, I feel like I’ve been challenged in new ways that has allowed me to grow deeper as an individual. We just need to find out where these gold nuggets are and what they mean, so that we can build resiliency and maintain a permanent sense of peace and joy always. If you need some help digging for gold, you know where to find me!
I hope you enjoyed this update! I had a lot of fun writing this. These pictures are of our recent baby moon in Bermuda (my husband has become quite the photographer)! Sending you lots of love and light - xo